Wherein the author has read the Wikipedia page for houseplants

In my next life, perhaps I would like to be

sansevieria trifasciata, sitting happily over
          in the corner soaking up the sunshine
     occasionally enjoying a sip of water
               eating once in the spring
          showing off my white flowers with
much pride, or perhaps

dieffenbachia, a big ol' dumb cane plant
          oh, how fitting a name!
     hiding in the darkness, allowed to snack
               twice a week, sometimes thrice
          waiting for the cat to take a bite and
be silenced! or perhaps

epipremnum, sitting on your windowsill as
          you make lunch, or maybe dinner, not judging 
     you for using too much salt in that
               soup or casserole,  you do you!
          basking in the fluorescent light of
your kitchen, or perhaps

beaucarnea recurvata, ostensibly because I, too,
          love the light but not the heat, and don't
     require excessive hydration, and like me is
               is considered a variety of succulent,
          but mostly, if I were to be truthful, because I have
always wanted a ponytail, or perhaps

ficus elastica, hiding from the world outside
          behind your curtain sheers, needing more
     care in summer than winter, my dark burgundy
               leaves accentuating your decor,
          unique and bold, and to be honest,
hands-off care, but not

spathyphillum, if only because there is almost
          nothing about me that says
peace, but perhaps

aloe vera would suit me best, at your 
          beck and call when you need the
     healing touch of my gooey innards
               although have a care
           and do not judge me by
my thorns alone.