try as I might it floods, unabated not enough fingers too many holes if consumes and subsumes my every waking thought how can I stop it? why would I want that? and I've no-one to blame it is my fault alone I've constructed this dam in the lowest of plains I am a foolish architect for building such a structure using the best of materials in the worst of locations leaving it unguarded against the vandals and thieves who would breach its walls destroy what they could and those untrustworthy souls to whom I gave the key only to tear the place down I guess those are on me I'd gladly accept my fate, my part of the blame if only I could find respite if only I could find peace try as I might, though I cannot give up I'm the idiot moth to your bright, burning flame and while I have few regrets I have earned every scar each lesson I cherish but this one, above all: I should not have bothered with building this structure, this dam to encompass my damn heart.
a beautiful jet-lagged day with a snowy forecast on the horizon that will not dampen these feelings of joy it's been far too long we've been too far apart my soul craves yours as yours does mine winter comes too quickly temporary displacement of my everyday life is what my soul craves as does yours the days ending ubruptly the smiles and giggles the conversations in whispers of subjects so unbecoming those of our maturity but I value this above all I see my future self in you do you see your younger self in me? are we each other, out of place, out of time? can we dream of what the other has? is this how it is now? will we always be reaching, me into your future, you into my past? is that even an issue? for I have other minutia to attend to other itches to scratch for me, for now, this is enough.
A good friend of mine, Debbie Vandenberg, shared with me this beautiful poem she wrote this morning as she was enjoying the sunrise from her porch, and has given me her permission to share it with you...
Another Day Sunset gently waking me Kissing away the night before Wiping sadness out of my eyes Then teasing me To play some more I take a sip hot strong creamy I can taste the opportunity In the warmth Cup to my mouth Toying with me As I hold it in my hands To make the best of this day That is all it knows And this, too, I understand
My clothes hit the floor I need to be ready in an hour So the shower takes me in Washed away Every ounce of sorrow Then like a mad man I let the water go cold As the shower Boldly reminds me It is up to me to decide Hold on, or let go My chair wants to be one with me It is the softest Space I have So I bring my legs up from the floor And relax every muscle that I have My breath I begin to watch Breathing in, then I release A sweet sense of joy surrounds me My chair shows me how to find peace It is time now for the mirror Without the above I could not face In there I see lines of wisdom And eyes that have seen What it is to find grace Now I am walking out the door The world is mine to Explore I thank the sun shower chair mirror For waking me, Cleaning me, Holding me, And letting me see the truth Now I have the power To face another day. -Debbie Vandenberg, October 2021
©2021 Debbie Vandenberg
Got a lot going on, but not much of interest. You know how it goes – work, dealing with the dog days of summer, worrying about the surge in COVID cases. It’s time-consuming, both physically and mentally.
One thing I have started doing is Joshua Fields Millburn’s and Ryan Nicodemus’ 30-Day Challenge. The idea behind this particular game is that, starting on the first of the month, you rid yourself of one material possession. On the 2nd, you get rid of two things. On the 3rd, three. And so on.
Today is August 10th, and so far I’ve gotten rid of:
1st – donated one bag of men’s clothes to Goodwill.
2nd – threw out two old boxes of X-mas decorations.
3rd – donated three books to the library.
4th – donated four pair of gently used shoes to Goodwil.
5th – threw out five boxes of miscellaneous crap from the garage.
6th – donated six books to two different Little Libraries in my neighborhood.
7th – seven old computer cables that I’ve been hoarding for no reason.
8th – eight old phone cases for phones that will never be used again.
9th – nine old phone and laptop boxes that I could never bear to part with previously.
10th – ten ball caps that I will never wear again.
All of this has made a very small dent in the sheer volume of stuff that I have, but every step is a step forward.
Learn more about the 30-Day Challenge/Game by clicking here.
And as always, thanks for reading.
Modern literature and pop culture is rife with references to broken hearts. From Whitney Houston to Shinedown, from Nora Ephron to Rupi Kaur, from New Girl to Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, you can’t turn around without bumping into someone who has survived a broken heart, is surviving one now, or is about to suffer through the debilitation of having their heart ripped out of their chest and stomped on.
And yet, this imagery has never rung true with me. The most glaringly silly example that I can think of is Padme dying of a “broken heart” at the end of Revenge of the Sith, and I’m not the only one who thought this was silly, albeit for different reasons.
The imagery of a broken heart carries with it the idea that something inside of you is broken and in need of fixing, when the opposite is actually true. When someone betrays you or acts in such a way that is contrary to what you were expecting, it is not an indication of some short-coming within yourself. It is in indicator of something missing within them.
Setting aside the fact that your (emotional) heart is located in your head and not your chest, I prefer to think of the heart – that part of you that feels and cares and loves – as an ever-evolving entity that is constantly changing and growing. It is not stagnant; it learns new things, forgets old pains, overcomes previous prejudices, perseveres onward.
When I was young, my mother and step-father tended to punish my sloppy ways by yelling at me or threatening me with a beating with one of my orange Hot Wheels tracks, but occasionally they’d get fed up with trying to correct my behavior, so they’d gather up all of the comic books I’d left lying around and throw them in the burn barrel. My ten-year-old self was traumatized by this betrayal, but it didn’t break my heart. It was an experience I internalized.
When my first marriage ended, I truly felt broken. Not in the “oh-how-will-I-go-on?” sense, but more in the “what’s-wrong-with-me?” sense. I felt I had failed in one of the most basic tasks in life, making a home with a partner. How could I possibly be successful in any other endeavor if I couldn’t do this one simple thing properly? However, I was still able to fully function on a day-to-day basis, so obviously I wasn’t that broken.
Over time, I have come to realize that the heart doesn’t truly break. It takes on more experience, letting old situations go in favor of new ones. My heart is not the same today as it was when I was ten, or thirty. And yet, it’s the exact same heart I’ve always had. How is that even possible?
When something is broken, it doesn’t work any longer. Well, that’s not entirely true – even a broken clock is correct twice a day. But for all intents and purposes, a broken clock is useless for anything more than decorating the wall in the guest bathroom.
The heart, I’ve found, is more resilient than that. With apologies to both John Mayer and Celine Dion, rather than being broken and in need of repair, the heart goes on, continuing to feel and care and love despite all indications to the opposite. And with each new joyous experience, an older, more painful experience is expunged, until one day you feel whole again, and capable of once again giving your heart to someone. Your same old heart, though experience and attrition, has become something new.
That’s been my experience, anyway.
Took a break from writing this weekend to record one of my favorite songs, Del Amitri’s “Kiss This Thing Goodbye” – hope you enjoy it!
Here is the video for my poem, “Late afternoon at Boots Adams Park” – if you like what you see/hear, please consider subscribing not only to this blog, but to my YouTube channel as well!
One of my philosophy professors asked an interesting question today, and after giving it some amount of thought, I think I have an answer.
His question was this: Who do you think would win in a bar fight between a deontologist, a consequentialist, and a virtue ethicist?
First, a quick recap:
- Deontology – simply put, these are the rules guys (and gals). Deontologists purport that there are certain universal moral truths that should guide our behavior and how we interact with others.
- Consequentialism – when considering whether an action is right or moral, we have to consider the outcome(s) of our actions, both intended and unintended. All actions have consequences.
- Virtue Ethics – good and bad, right and wrong, ethical and unethical – these are determined largely by one’s character. Moral people engage in moral thoughts and activities, so it is incumbent upon each of us to be the best person we can possibly be.
Each of these schools of thought have their advantages and disadvantages, and when taken in concert, create a bit of circular logic.
Aristotle believed that since each person’s thoughts and actions were under their own control, an individual could learn to be a good (or better) person. However, the issue with this line of thinking is two-fold.
First, if the individual is left to decide what is moral, then it is in fact his or her cultural and environment that is coloring their decision. In an often-used example, 200 years ago it was viewed as morally acceptable to own slaves. So, by extension, it was possible to own slaves and still be considered a moral, upstanding individual. Obviously this is wrong, but I can only say “obviously” because our culture has changed to the degree that we now understand (but don’t yet fully embrace, apparently) the inherent worth of each individual, regardless of race (or gender or sexual orientation).
Second, we are using the term to define itself, i.e. “A moral act is one that a moral person would engage in.” This is akin to saying, “The sky is blue because it is blue.” We are not defining anything here, really.
One of the ways around this line of thinking is to impose certain qualifications, such as “lying is always wrong, unless it lessens someone’s pain.” However, as we do this, we move further and further away from character in an infinite regress of “except for this” and “not counting that.” We begin to dilute the original meaning behind virtue ethics, reducing it to a series of best-case scenarios that become increasingly difficult to keep track of.
This is where deontology enters the picture. By having a hard-and-fast set of rules to guide human behavior, we make value judgements concerning morality much easier to deal with. Or do we?
We again run into the problem of having to qualify each moral judgement with some sort of disclaimer. “You should never break a promise” is a moral way to act, but what if you promised your buddy that you’d golf with him, and then one of your kids is in an automobile accident. Do you skip golf to care for your injured child? Deontologically speaking, you couldn’t – you’d made a promise to go golfing, and to break that promise would be morally unacceptable.
This leads to another issue – namely, where do you draw the line when devising your qualifications to all of these moral behaviors? Do we make exceptions for family only? Close friends? Co-workers? People who are less fortunate than yourself? And on top of that, who exactly is responsible for making these qualifications? Is it the individual? That won’t work – we’d have different standards for each individual, thus defeating the original purpose of having a set of set-in-stone rules in the first place.
And this brings us to utilitarianism, and the idea that moral acts can only be judged moral based on their outcomes. Consequentialism deals with this aspect specifically – what are the consequences of my actions, how do they affect not only me but those around me?
The issue with this line of reasoning is that you very quickly run into situations where immoral acts can lead to moral outcomes. The infamous Trolley Problem is the most famous example of this – is it okay to take the life of one individual to save five others? What if you personally know the one person? Is it then right to sacrifice the five individuals on the other track to save the one person you know?
Recent years have witnessed a return to a form of Aristotle’s original value ethics as the predominant method of determining good versus bad, but in all truthfulness this just leads us back to the top of the circle, ready to start the cycle anew.
So, back to the question at hand – who would win in a bar fight between a deontologist, a consequentialist, and a virtue ethicist?
I know which horse I’m putting MY money on – what are your thoughts?
One of the coolest things about immersing myself in some subject with which I already have some passing familiarity is being able to see how my views have shifted over the years. Streaming all four seasons of The Good Place recently has led to a reignited interest in philosophy in general. Since it’s been a hot minute since I’ve given philosophy any real thought or consideration, I decided to start from the beginning. And by that, I mean literally the beginning of philosophical thought, with Thales and the other pre-Socratic philosophers, of which I knew very little.
Another cool feature of this is that, as each new idea is presented and explained and demonstrated as a step forward in the evolution of philosophical thinking, I find myself going through the usual three stages of learning something new:
- Oh, that’s cool! I never thought of that!
- Oh, this is actually bullshit. Why did I think that made sense?
- Oh, this new bit of information is cool! I never thought of that! (see step #1)
With the study of philosophy, this constant cycle is significantly heightened. What makes sense one minute is revealed to be limited and not very insightful in light of subsequent thoughts, findings, and techniques. I’ve spent the last week reading books, listening to podcasts, and watching YouTube videos that (more or less) follow the development of philosophical thoughts and ideas from roughly 650 BCE up through today.
I’m quickly finding that the philosophers I relate to most closely are the ones who took action. Whether it is Thales laying the groundwork for future philosophical thought, or Pythagoras starting a new cult to prove that math is the language of the kosmos, or Plato utilizing the Socratic method of constant, insightful questioning to arrive at a conclusion, or Karl Popper questioning the scientific methods of Freud (pseudo-science) in comparison to Einstein (actual science), the philosophers that resonate with me are the ones who not only thought of something, but also did something about it.
Acta non verba – action, not words.
I mentioned in my previous post all of the changes I’ve attempted to make in 2020. While nullius in verba has become the defining principle of my life now, coming in close second is acta non verba. I have wasted so much time waiting for something to drop into my lap – financial success, new jobs with better pay, new passions – and I have largely been lucky in the sense that I’ve lived a bit of a charmed life compared to most.
How much more happier would I be, then, if I’d actually expended more than just the minimal effort required to reach my goals – if the fruits of my labor were a direct result of the effort I’d put into a task or activity? This is the true nature of the experiment I’m engaged in now. I seek to answer the question: what if I actually took control of my life and went after the things I desire, rather than just sit back and hope they will drop into my lap somehow?
It may very well be that I’m setting myself up for misery, or disappointment, or a fate worse than death – third marriage, anyone? But I don’t believe that to be the case. If I were a betting man, I’d wager that in the long run, I’ll meet with more success than failure. And isn’t that really what we all desire? To be successful more often than we fail?
If the ultimate goal of life is to be happy while minimizing (or eliminating) the sadness and dissatisfaction of others, then how much sweeter would that taste if it was by my own design rather than the luck of the draw, or fate? That may come across as a bit selfish, but that certainly is not my intent. I say it in this sense: How much more satisfying is it to be the master of one’s own fate, rather than leaving it to chance or the gods or God (or whatever your particular belief system happens to be)?
So, these are the questions I seek to answer, and I will be doing it via concrete action instead of mere rhetoric – acta non verba.
I got my fourth tattoo today from Niah and the fine folks at Black Gold Tattoo here in Tulsa, OK. It had been a number of years since I have gotten any new ink, and today seemed like just as good a day as any. It is my brother’s birthday as well, and he is a tattoo nut, so this is in part for him as well.
The reactions have run the gamut from “Wow, cool!” to “But why?”. To those on the lower, disapproving end of the spectrum, I played it off as just something I wanted to do, or simply replied, “Why not?”
But the truth is that this phrase is the most important thing I have learned thus far in 2020, which is saying a lot. So far this year, I have had to learn to live on my own again, I have taught myself ukulele, I have tried to learn Python, I have begun studying philosophy again. Yet all of these things pale in comparison to the effect these three simple Latin words have had on my life in 2020.
Nullius in verba is Latin for “on the word of no-one.” More loosely translated, it is taken to mean “think (or do) for yourself.”
I have spent much of my life doing was I was told to do, believing what I was told to believe. From my religious upbringing, through my military service, through my varied jobs in the private sector, and through two failed marriages, I have always tried to do what I thought the other party felt was right.
Perhaps I paint with too-broad strokes here – it is not like I was a robot following orders. I have had my fun, and made my share of stupid mistakes that were 100% my idea alone. However, there were definitely times where I felt like an automaton, and this characterization is probably pretty accurate more, often than not.
This year, one of my (many) foci has been to attempt to figure out where I belong, where I fit in to the grand scheme of things. Everything else – ukulele, coding, philosophy, etc. – has been window dressing for the real search, the search for personal meaning and validation.
What these three simple words remind me of is this: there is no better judge of things than myself.
Does this mean I completely dismiss the words of subject matter experts and authority figures? Absolutely not.
What it DOES mean is that everything that is meaningful is also independently verifiable. Am I going to run my own lab tests to ensure the eventual COVID-19 vaccination works? Of course not. But will I pay more attention to who it is that is telling me that it works? Absolutely.
Am I going to vote for someone simply because they are a registered Democrat, or against someone because they are a registered Republican? Nope, not anymore. I have taken the time to actually delve into what each individual candidate stands for, what each individual ballot measure means and what the pass/fail ramifications are.
Closer to home: am I going to stop forcing my will on others because it is what I think is best for them? Can I accept that others know what is in their best interest, just like I have some idea of what is in my best interest? Hopefully.
And these are just a few of a million little things that bears closer scrutiny, starting with myself. It will be the ultimate introspective exercise. Socrates (via Plato) once indicated that “the unexamined life is not worth living,” and this is precisely what he meant. I’ve wasted so much of my life believing one thing and disbelieving another, simply because it was easier to follow the crowd instead of expending a little extra time and effort to do the research myself.
On the word of no-one; think for yourself.
I have many fond memories of my mother, both with my Dad and after they divorced when I was eight. This, however, isn’t one of them.
I was cleaning out a cabinet today and ran across a manila envelope. Within, I found two typewritten sheets of paper – it was undated, but it refers to an incident that occurred while driving with my younger brother Eric, and it (apparently) occurred before he was driving, so that places it somewhere between 1982 and 1991 or so. It has all the earmarks of being a letter to the editor, most likely to The Bakersfield Californian.
Here it is in its entirety – typos, bad grammar, and all:
“Get A Real Job – Be A Housewife”
Today my son and I was this really great license plate frame, it said, “Get A Real Job – Be A Housewife!”. I told my son, I would really like to have one. I made that choice back in 1963, rather than going to work in an office. I wanted to raise my own Children. I was a single parent for a while and it was not easy, but we survived.
Back at that time, late 60’s & 70’s, it was an acceptable choice, today it seems it is not. Today it is felt that if you stay at home you do nothing, but in fact it is a 24Hr. a day job, no salary, you work harder then most people in the working world, outside the home.
I really believe there would be less problems with our kids today if they had a stay at home Parent at least through their formative years. We need more stay at home parents to take care of their children. No guarantee. “But what do parents expect, when they are not at home, remember these kids need guidance and love from you, your values, not a stranger, they are your Responsibility! There is also nothing wrong with a stay at home Dad either in fact in some cases the Dad is the better choice.
If you were to ask inmates especially the younger ones why you are here, the majority said when I was growing up no-body was at home to care, so why should I. No Excuse!
The only draw back I have found is if you look for a job after “Just” being a housewife, they tell you that you are not qualified no work experience, no real skills. I have felt like taking my kids as refrences. We really have a wide range of skills, more then just your adverage worker.
Stay at home parents have to stand together with heads held high. We are doing an honest days work for no pay, no 1hr. lunch break, no dinner break, 7 days a week 24hrs. a day.
There are rewards too, like when for years you tell your kids something and you wonder if they hear you, but then the day comes you hear the same thing coming out of them and you realize, hey they really heard what I said, it’s a great feeling. There are a thousand rewards, each milestone, special achievements, graduations, weddings, just to mention a few. The kids are so proud to have you there, just the look on their faces when they see you. I wouldn’t change a thing I did.
These rewards are wonderful and worth more then mear money could buy! Your building Memories.
Please remember these children are our future, you need to Invest Now!
She makes some really good points (and thankfully, she called out stay-at-home dad’s, as well – something I did for a number of years with our twin boys). More than that, though, it was a surreal thrill, reading words I didn’t know existed from a mother that has been gone for nearly fourteen years.
The most fascinating thing to me, though, is that she perfectly captures exactly how I remember her – always there, always taking care of us, always caring about us.
She was a true working mother, in that she gave everything she could to my sister, my brother and I, working day and night to make sure we wanted for nothing. Not all of her decisions were the right ones, but she did the best she could with what she had, and no one can fault her for that.
Is it better to be effective or efficient?
Many businesses wrestle with this question on a daily basis. When building marketing or business plans, when assigning duties, when filling orders, the question is always there. “What’s the best way to do this” is basically asking, “How do we find the correct balance of effectiveness versus efficiency when planning this project/duty/task?”
Sometimes these terms can even be mistaken for synonyms, but in truth they are polar opposites. Both are important considerations, but they indicate very different measures. The trick is striking the right balance between the two.
Effectiveness relates to how a given task performs against a set of standards, and is often expressed in terms of which goals are achieved and the extent to which the issues being addressed have been solved. For example, a certain brand of hand sanitizer may be marketed as killing 99.9% of germs, speaking directly to the effectiveness of the product against its perceived objective of providing a higher level of personal cleanliness.
Efficiency refers to how well a given task performs against a standard norm, and is often represented in terms of how much time, energy or investment has been reduced or eliminated. For instance, a refrigerator may be marketed as reducing energy consumption by up to 30%, resulting in energy efficiency savings for the purchaser of said refrigerator and, in theory, freeing up resources for others to consume.
In short, effectiveness is doing the right thing, and efficiency is doing the thing right.
So, how do we find the optimal middle ground, the happy medium that maximizes efficiency whilst solidifying effectiveness? Are there steps we can take that will tell us how to do this, and let us know when we’ve reached that goal?
We’re in luck – there are three simple steps we can take to ensure we’re striking the right balance between doing something correctly and doing it for the right reasons. By applying structure to a given process, planning and measuring activities and results, and delegating responsibilities and communicating changes, we can realize increased production that meets – and often exceeds – our goals and objectives.
Apply structure. The first step is to make sure all the pieces are in place – everyone is on the right bus, and in the right seat. Duties and responsibilities need to be clearly defined and communicated. Corporate goals are useless without buy-in from the entire staff, so be sure to allow for a means for everyone to have the opportunity to voice their ideas, concerns and opinions.
Once a basic structure is in place, it is imperative that it be followed. This structure will be what guides everyone through all phases of the current project and beyond – if it is initially created to be scalable, that’s all the better. It will be easier to disseminate this new structure up and down the organization, resulting in revenue gains across the board and increasing customer engagement and satisfaction.
There are many organizational operating systems out there to utilize as an example. Much like the operating system on your computer, an organizational operating system will assist you in ensuring all of the pieces are in place, that everyone’s strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes are all being taken into consideration. It will be an indispensable tool in helping you to create a world-beating organization.
Plan and measure. Once you have the structure in place, begin planning for success. There are many business and marketing plan templates, but once you understand the basics, there’s no sin in developing your own. This will allow you to capture the essence of what your business is all about, and will also help you in determining what it is you need to measure.
The importance of data cannot be understated. Having goals and objectives that are forward-looking, attainable, and measurable are just as important to the long-term health of your business as anything else. Without the ability to measure exactly how well you’re doing, a company is flying blind. This is a dangerous situation for any organization that wishes to make a long-term, lasting impact on their industry or line of business.
Delegate and communicate. Now that you have all of the pieces for a successful venture in place, it’s time to get down to work. The old saying too many chefs spoil the broth applies here – it’s imperative that everyone knows, and is comfortable with, their role.
Delegating duties and responsibilities is how the actual work gets done. You’ve already determined where everyone best fits and what everyone’s strengths and weaknesses are; now it is time to put the plan into action.
Above all else, keeping the lines of communication open up and down the chain of command will ensure the ultimate success of your venture. By creating a workplace where all voices are heard, where every opinion is considered, and where employees at all levels feel that they are vitally important to the operation and not just another cog in the machine, you are setting yourself up for a successful venture.
The steps we take and decisions we make will ultimately decide how effective and efficient we are, and when made well, will keep us from going 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction.